What is wrong with this dialog?
"Come here!" he bellowed loudly.
"No!" she replied stubbornly.
"Then get out of my house!" he yelled back at her.
"This is my house," she reminded him.
"Not anymore," he announced. He paused, and then repeated, "Not anymore."
maybe if you make some of the sentences longer it wouldn't be so choppy?
ReplyDeleteI actually think its fine. But than again what do i know about writing. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry. I was being facetious.
ReplyDeleteGrammatically, it's correct, but the dialog tags are redundant and distracting. For example, it's not necessary to state that one bellows loudly. One does not bellow softly. And it's not necessary to restate what is clearly demonstrated by the dialog. The dialog shows when the characters are replying or repeating; it's not necessary to add dialog tags pointing this out.
Consider this as an alternative:
"Come here!" he bellowed.
She crossed her arms and looked down her nose at him. "No!"
"Then get out of my house!"
"This is MY house."
"Not anymore." He glanced out the window for a moment, and then he met her eyes with a brutal stare. "Not anymore."